The speed of modern-day parenting would put ‘Kingda Ka’ to shame, and we parents have embarked on this ride, with butterflies in our stomach, smile on our lips and a thudding heart. As if the chores involving raising kids was not enough, we now have ballet classes, chess classes, phonics, theatre…. You just name it and there is compulsory class available for it. Even board games are pre-defined. Along with it comes the essential need to have an impeccable house, organise play dates, school parent groups, group classes for kids, assignments and the stress of being a perfect parent. Not to forget, it’s absolutely essential to look good. And nothing wrong with doing so.
This article was published in Good Home. The link is below:
I am a mother of two (both teenagers now, and I am not adding ‘thankfully’) and have done, and still doing, exactly what I wrote above. Initially, in an effort to be the ideal mom, I forgot to look out for myself. It took extreme exhaustion, constant anxiety (also FOMO), sleep and eating disorder and intervention from my husband and friends, to realised that I needed my ‘Me-Time’.
Giving yourself space, nurturing yourself, investing in yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent. In my view, it makes you a very good one. Your kids learn from you and seeing that you respect yourself, will teach them to do the same.
So how do you get that precious ‘Me-Time’?
Here are a few pearls from my 17 years of experience (my husband’s too, cause when I was running around like a headless chicken, I took him on that ride too, and he did get me off it eventually).
1. Create a support system
It takes a village to raise a child. Believe in this and create your village. Parents, siblings, close friends, trusted hired help and CCTv cameras- all are part of this wholesome village. Set certain non-negotiable rules that need to be followed. Speak to them, especially parents, hear the ideas they have and imbibe the ones you are comfortable with. Talking with a smile and a positive mind always leads to cooperation, followed by praises on how accommodating you are. Trusted help is difficult, but not impossible. This is where CCTV cameras come to the rescue. Be firm but kind.
2. Prioritise what you need to do and what can be outsourced
Decide what you need to do and what you can outsource. Me, for example, would rather read a book or play a board game with my kids, than cook food (home-made food is good, so I taught my help). I would rather take then to the park, than fold clothes, and do laundry. I would rather teach them a sport or art, than tidy the house. We all like our home to be well kept. Train your help. Supervise and correct and in a few days, they’ll know what you expect. Anyway, a little bit of mess, hurt none. If you don’t have a lot of help, set realistic expectations- A clean house over a tidy hose; clean laundry over folded laundry; simple healthy meal over elaborate meals and dressed up dinning tables. You get the idea?
3. Check lists
You know what needs to be finished. You don’t miss out on things. Add ‘Time for yourself’ in that for sure.
4. Go easy on electronic gadgets
I remember wasting a lot of time staring at screens when my babies were sleeping. An hour scrolling Facebook (it was new then) and I had done nothing. Before you get me wrong, watching your favourite show or Instagram is good and its your time with yourself too, but if you would rather use that time (accumulated throughout the day) for an outing with friends, then you need to cut down the gadget time. After all a day has only 24 hours.
5. Practice positive parenting techniques
Easier said than done. You will struggle.
- don’t referee every small sibling squabble. Over time, the kids will learn to sort it out themselves. It’s also a good skill to learn.
- Ignore bad behaviour, but praise good behaviour. Kids will still misbehave, but over time will also learn to correct themselves. Scolding or punishment will just make the vibe negative.
- Let them get bored at times. The get very innovative.
- Set fixed bed time rules.
- Assign chores. It makes them responsible, independent and clears your schedule.
“Independent kids are a sign the parents did a good job.”
7. An identity, outside being a parent
Not necessarily a career, but indulge your hobby at least. Your kids need to know that you have your interests that are important to you and they need to give you undisturbed time for that. You have an identity besides being a parent and which they need to respect. It’s also important, because when kids grow up, you still have with you something that you love and you spend you time doing. No one knows this better than me. I have a kid leaving for university in a few days.
6. Parenting doesn’t mean constant sacrifice
Trust me, there is no parenting award for making maximum sacrifices. Doing something you like, indulging in your hobby, working towards your career, starting that dream business, going after a promotion, is all necessary.
I really wish Hallmark made gifts that said ‘World’s Okish mom/dad’ instead of ‘greatest’. Or maybe we just need to change the definition of ‘Greatest parent’.
Give yourself a break from the guilt of not being able to be the perfect parent and not being enough.
Get your ‘Me-time’.
Go to the parlour, girl’s/boy’s/couple’s night out, take that long pending vacation, binge watch that show you love, go for movie night (there is a reason they make 16+movies), take a SPA day, get started on that reading list, learn something new, go to the gym or join a fitness class, make up for those lost hours of sleep.
Bringing up kids at times creates a gap between the parents. Schedule date nights on regular basis. Let the kids spend a weekend with grandparents (village remember). They brought us up. They know how to watch our kids for a day and a half, if not more.
It’s your time. Do what you want with it, no guilt involved and no child screaming “mommy” and “Daddy’.
Did you know, ‘Me-time’ boosts your immunity, makes you a positive thinker, improves your overall health, discourages unhealthy habits, is good for your mental health and helps you sleep well at night?
Parenting is a long ride. It lasts a lifetime. How you handle it, is up to you.
Kids grow up and eventually leave home. What they leave behind is a giant-size hole in your heart. But they too carry the same pain in theirs and what gets us both by is memories. We as parents can create those memories only if we are happy. Make those memories, enjoy your time with the kids – which is a very fast closing window- and take care of yourself.
Lots of love,
Divya.
A very realistically expressed thought . Though sometimes it is not very easy to follow these guidelines but yes, the parents should sometimes ignore the emotions and focus on their own time & requirements too . That will surely improve their own personality, behaviour and children will be able to spend quality time with parents . Good and useful article !