The story of a stay at home mom
“I’m only a housewife, I’m afraid. How often do we hear this shocking admission. I’m afraid when I hear it I feel very angry indeed. Only a housewife: only a practitioner of one of the two most noble professions (the other one is that of a farmer); only the mistress of a huge battery of high and varied skills and custodian of civilization itself. Only a typist, perhaps! Only a company director, or a nuclear physicist; only a barrister; only the President! When a woman says she is a housewife she should say it with the utmost pride, for there is nothing higher on this planet to which she could aspire.”
― John Seymour, Forgotten Household Crafts
When I read these lines, I felt a pride run through me. Why? The answer is complex. Maybe what I have written below, will help you understand this better.
I am a mother of two kids and have been a stay at home for many years. In fact, my last day of work was the day my first baby was born. I went to the clinic, straight from work (How about that). Four years later, I had my second child, and although I have taken up a few projects off and on since then, I am mainly a full-time mom to my kids.
Not very long back, I went through a phase where I started to question every aspect of my life.
I felt my degrees, my hard work, my awards, and even my brains were all of absolutely no use. I was at a point where neither could I let go of my professional identity, nor could I let go of being a full-time mom. There was this desire to do so much more outside of home, but the desire to be with the kids, to teach them something new every day, to help them with their daily battles (trust me, kids have a tough life) was equally strong.
While my brain was persistently trying to shuffle between my two identities and drive me crazy, my desire to stay sane came out stronger, and I did what I always do when in doubt.
I called my friends, the ones who were ‘Stay At Home Moms’ too.
Did you know stay at home moms are also called ‘SAHM’. How cool is that!!
I believe in statistics, I like to make lists and that’s how I analyse things.
So, after much brain storming, I wrote down 3 simple questions for these mommies to answer.
- Why did you choose to be a SAHM?
- Do you think it was a right decision?
- Would you recommend this for all mothers?
This is what they had to say.
Here is Savithri Swaminathan, we all call her Savy. She started working full time from home two years back and runs a growing start up in the food space now.
Let me simply quote her.
“We moved countries and there was a break in my career. I could choose to go back to work in the new country or stay at home with the kids who were very young. I decided to stay at home to take care of them and be with them in their growing up years. I had a full-time helper so it was not necessary for me to stay at home. But I chose to do so.
From the kids and family’s point of view, it was absolutely the right decision. The fact that they could depend that their mom would be at home when they came back from school gave them a secure feeling and also, they reached all their milestones much earlier from the time I started staying at home. And the fact that the kids are comfortable to share their day is a direct result of somebody being at home when they come back from school. So even when I started working full time after a while, my daughter would still call me as soon as she came back from school and share about her day, every day.
Whether I’ll advise other moms to do the same, I think it depends on what each person wants and what the family circumstances are. It worked for us but it did impact on my career. So, each person has to take these decisions on their own. Different people handle it differently. This worked for us. “
Ruchika Thakur – I went to university with her. Hers’ a beautiful love story, but that’s for another time. Let me tell you what she had to say to my questions-
“Couldn’t handle work and the kids. As an army wife, one is a single parent through most parts of the formative years. With neither my mom or my mom-in-law around on a permanent basis, I wasn’t comfortable leaving the boys alone.
I worked with Citibank and Max New York Life when the boys were young, but soon I quit my job. Now, I am quite happy with the way things have worked out
While I consider parenting-styles a completely personal choice, I feel it is very important for the mom to be around.
When they are young, quantity outweighs quality. There is so much to guide them through the day …
As they are older, if one can balance their work and time at home, it’s wonderful, because as they get older, a mom needs her own life. Her identity and her precious “me-time”. Whether it’s voluntary work or a salaried job …a happy mommy translates into a happy family.”
Well thought of, I must say !
Paulina Mehta worked as OD and Training Manager at an MNC, an Educator and HR consultant.
She says, “No flexi option was available in the long run. I did not want my kid to be raised by my help.
It was not easy in the beginning, but now I feel it was well worth all ‘sacrifices’😃
Whether every mom should do the same or not, depends on what priorities the person has in life. But yes, for a child, the needing never stops. The nature is different as the kid grows. So not sure if a break for a few years works.”
Love the way she is so clear in her thought process.
Bhavna Monga Kumar, another friend from university, and with her I have some beautiful memories. She got married to this amazing guy and moved to Australia. We all wondered how she will manage, but she did just fine, in fact she did very well. She has work as a Senior Merchandiser for clothing retailers for 10 years and is planning to get back to work soon.
“Living abroad I did not have much support for my child and home initially was the reason to be SAHM.
Initially I resented it since that was not the plan and I was meant to go back to work after one year. But my child did not adjust in the day-care and I had to give up my work. But as time passed by, I really appreciated the way it all worked out. I really enjoyed being around my 2 children and could spend time with them. I did feel my kids needed me in their initial years. After 10 years of break I am rejoicing the workforce soon, but can’t imagine not being there at pick-ups and drop offs. And how the time I spend with them will reduce. A part of me thinks that they are old enough and ready for this change, a part of me knows they will always be my little babies who would need me. So, let’s see how this phase of life goes.
I really think it’s worth taking the break from your career. They get to be babies just once and they do grow up fast. (unless there are financial commitments in which case its ok). I always feared I will never be able to work again. But life works itself out. You might not start where you left, but you have quite a bit of life to catch up. Life is a journey without a destination, always flowing.”
Best of luck Bhavna for the future!
A very dear friend of mine, who got married really early and SAHM was more of what she calls ‘her destiny’. She is the calmest person I know, a fabulous mother and a beautiful person. This is her story-
“Family did not allow me to work after marriage. I was busy with house and other responsibilities. So was ultimately a stay at home mom.
I don’t know whether it was a right decision to not fight back to work, but yes, I am blessed as I spend most of my time with my kids and I am around them when they need me.
I cannot advice regarding career, but yes can say that kids need at least one parent around at all times until they are 5/6yrs..Later at least one parent available or responsible at all times. It’s how parent’s mange to bring up kids. If husband cannot or does not wish to be responsible. Then the mother should take a break, as she gives the child life…A baby makes us parents…We bring babies to life to complete our family and not for maids and helpers to do our job. Babies bond with touch. I see mothers who walk ahead and maids are carrying their kids, feeding them. I really do not this as when kids grow, we will crave for their touch, their hugs and then these kids will be busy.”
Kaveri Basu and I have kids going to the same school. She is really happy being a SAHM.
“I stay in joint family. We are 8 members altogether. There are three girls in our family. Everyone works in my family (even my mother in law). I thought staying with kids will be better as they need a family member while growing up. We had nannies but still I felt kids needs supervision. In many cases both the parents need to work but, in my case, it wasn’t like that. I have not worked earlier, nor do I had any desire to, so I opted to stay home.
The bonding which I have now with my kids (including my nieces) is wonderful. I wouldn’t have achieved this if I would have worked. I was always around them, which I think is more important as a parent. I know, as a person, I would have been an independent woman if I had worked but I thought building their future is more important. (I got my other family members to work and earn for me instead😉)
Within a year of my marriage I was pregnant and after having my daughter I never thought of working, as I want to be around her and my other two nieces.
I will advise either of the parent to take a break to bring up their kids. It shouldn’t always be the mother. Early years of your child can be taken care by the nannies but there is a stage in your child’s growth when they actually need either of the parent physically and emotionally around. It’s a crucial age and presence of one parent at least is a must.”
Hers’ was one set of answers that made me think that whatever role we have chosen, we need to be happy and content with it and play that role with perfection. She surely does it and so must I and not get torn between my various identities.
Urvashi Sharma – She is my neighbour and a very happy SAHM.
Her answers to my questions: “I was working in the hospitality industry. Accommodation operation and management were my area of responsibility with one of the finest chains of Hotels- The Taj Group. I had not quit my job after I became a mom…In fact I was on a break before I got married…The break stretched and soon I had my son and we moved out of country with a 5-month-old baby. In a complete new set up, with no support, the only logical thing that seemed was to continue to be a full-time mother.
I am not sure if I can convincingly say that it was the right decision…During the initial years yes, I felt it was the right thing to do.
As for if all mothers should take a career break, I feel if you have a good support system at home…grandparents’ nanny, day care, one need not take a break. If need be, it should be done when you feel the child needs you.”
Divya Sethi, my neighbour, I headed media procurement for one of the largest Consumer Durables MNC. She had to take a break from her career due to health reasons; post recovery she chose to pursue a foreign language to enhance her personal development and at the same time give quality time to her daughter, and he is very happy she did so. When asked id she would advise the same to all mothers, she said, “Each to one’s own; I feel as a parent/woman one must continue to learn and challenge oneself out of the comfort zone; that necessarily may not mean to take a break from active career; the important thing is if one is able to strike a balance. Kids especially take after children, so its equally important to be that role model.”
Rajya Lakshmi Narne, with her cooking you forget you forget when to stop eating. She is so good. You will find me in her kitchen very often, where she is cooking and I am eating. Raji worked as a HR consultant and quit her job to bring up her kids and look after her home. Working meant, she would have to delegate looking after the kids to someone else and that was the price she didn’t want to pay. She is extremely content with being a SAHM and doesn’t miss work. Her kids and home keep her busy. Her favourite part is the time she spends with kids in the evening, either helping them with their school work or playing a board game or simply taking them swimming or cycling. Raji is glad is a full-time mom, as she wanted her children to be brought up in a specific way and they certainly are her pride and joy!
Neelam Patel, another fellow school mom has always been a housewife/SAHM and is really glad that she chose this. Spending time with her kids is what makes her happy. On asking if she would recommend this for all moms, she says, “I think it depends, there is no right answer except what is right for your child/you/family.”
Sandhya is an HR Professional and was working for 12 years before taking a break. I did wonder at one point, why she left her job, but her answers made it all very clear.
“I wanted to bring up my young children and see them grow and I am glad I took this decision.
As for other moms if they should do the same, I think it’s a personal choice. For me I wanted to spend time bringing up my young kids so they get the right values as well as for safety reasons. The decision was totally based on my priority in life.”
Vijaya Damian Fernandes worked with IBM, but left her job to be a full-time mother.
She says, “I worked for IBM as a Project Co-ordinator and I enjoyed my work. I liked to learn new things, including interaction with new Clients, handling billing and how to resolve customer related issues. While I was at work, my mother looked after my two kids. But then I realised that it was too much work for her and I left my job to stay home with them.
It was the right decision to take at that time because my kids needed me and I thoroughly enjoyed being around them.
Whether every mother should it or not depends on them. If you don’t have the right support system, it is a better to spend initial years with your child, at least till the age they start school. But if you have strong support of your family, you can continue to work but give time to your kids too. This is my view. I feel the best person to make a decision for your child is the child’s Mother herself.”
The final reply to all my three questions was from a very dear friend, Mumtaz, again someone I went to university with, who turned around and told me, “What are you whining about? Be grateful you can afford to be one.” It did snap me out of my ‘tragic’ mode and I realised not everyone has that luxury. Some need to get back to work cause of certain circumstances and I indeed need to be grateful.
Well, I can go on and on about what all my fellow mommy friends had to say, but that would be a book and not a blog post!
All these answers got me to rethink the whole tug of war happening in my head.
Being a ‘Stay At Home Mom’ doesn’t mean I have to put my degrees in cold storage or lose my identity as an individual. I can be mother, a home maker and still hold an intellectual conversation with other grownups. I don’t have to stop reading or listening to news or learning new things. I don’t have to stop feeding my brain.
I do realise now that I am contributing as much to society as any professional, if not more.
I am contributing as much to the family as my partner, if not more.
I am glad I took time off to be with my kids. I was there for their first step, their first words, their first day of school, their first breakdown, their first exam and all the milestones that they achieved. I wouldn’t trade this time with these munchkins for anything else and I am grateful that I had the luxury to do so and an amazing partner and family who encouraged me all along.
Being a home maker is extremely satisfying, but equally exhausting. A SAHM plays the role of a mother, teacher, friend, nurse (at times doctor), councillor, driver, manger, cook, event planner, and so many more. She doesn’t have holidays or sick days! It’s a job that doesn’t ever end!
The stereo-type image of us binge watching Netflix series or attending kitties non-stop, couldn’t be any further from reality.
When we are out, we are shuffling between various classes, groceries, School meetings………
When we are home, we are managing meals, budgets, bills, taxes, home works, emotional breakdowns, etc etc etc……
We multi tasks every minute of the day.
Just because this mom doesn’t receive a pay check or demands for one, don’t tell her she doesn’t work. (Partners-she might ask you for one if you do)
Just because she does it all with a smile, don’t take her for granted.
Just because she doesn’t pick up a laptop and go to work, don’t look down on her.
Try wearing her shoes for just a day!
As for the spouses and family of us moms, all we need is a little support and appreciation and definitely respect (It’s not optional). We certainly deserve it.
On that note I end this article.
A big hug to all SAHM from me.
Hope you enjoyed reading this
PS: I have equal regard for working moms too and I definitely feel they have a lot in their kitty too. A writeup on them coming soon.
Hats-off to all SAHM, you all make our world better and beautiful. Very well written Divya
Thanku Kishore.