My half empty nest
This topic is very personal to me as I went through this ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ myself.
Honestly, its half an empty nest as my younger one is still in middle school and it’s another 5 years before she flies the nest, but still.
A little over two months, my eldest kid left for university. His dream school, his dream course and a step towards actualising all he has planned for his future.
My pride had no bounds when he got into Oxford and me being me, had an excel sheet ready within hours for all that needed to be done. From then, till the day of departure, there was excitement and a whirlwind of activities.
A lurking feeling in the background- ‘He will be gone for months at a stretch.’
But the thought ignored in the midst of friends and relatives coming over to wish him the best and the to-do list that needed to be completed.
The day of departure, and I said bye to him at the airport, with lots of hugs and kisses, and mommy advises(which were being repeated a millionth time), while internally telling myself- ‘He’ll be back in about two months, I will talk to him daily and distance is nothing these days with technology and various gadgets.’
He promised to call twice, daily (thankfully he is still keeping that promise) and I was confident I’ll be ok. In fact, I believed I was taking it all too well.
The ride back home was quiet and a feeling of emptiness filled my heart.
Then came the next morning and as I passed by his room, it hit me- I will not be waking him up every day or be able to give him a hug or hold his hand anytime I wanted or binge watch Netflix with him. There was anxiety, my heart was beating fast, my palms were sweaty, and I soon moved on to incessant sobbing. After a while my body was lifeless.
I take pride in the fact that I have raised independent kids. So, my worry was never how he’ll manage on his own. As for basic cooking and cleaning, the training had started when he decided to apply to abroad universities. I have a lot of faith in my parenting.
But that logic escaped my being and my scrambled brain pondered- how will he live on his own, will he eat meals on time, will he make friends, who will wake him up in the morning, will he manage laundry on his own, will someone make a fool out of him …. And the list is endless!
The worst was me reaching a conclusion that the decision to send him to UK was wrong and I must call him back.
The heart wrenching feeling that I had lost my son engulfed me.
The fact that my husband had gone to drop him, and was not there with me, made things worse.
The days seemed way longer and I felt the constant need to call him for random things and founds ways to tell his father what he was doing wrong there, rather what he was not doing to take care of him appropriately.
All this was happening, while my younger kid, who was home with me wondered what had happened to her mother, while she too missed her brother.
The ‘Empty-nest Syndrome’ had hit me!
Yes, it’s a real thing and it happens to most parents, maybe the intensity is varied, but it’s there. And it needs to be taken care of!
My nest was not empty. I still had one kid with me.
I had to check myself!
My saving grace were my friends and my work.
Just few months before my son was to leave, I started my writing and styling work and I was fortunate to be published in a few magazines and newspapers. Soon work started coming my way and I had enough to keep myself busy.
I have always been a moderately social person and I had started making that extra effort to connect to old friends (even the new ones J).
I call it the ‘self-defence mechanism’ that we humans have. My sub-conscious self somewhere told me I would fall apart and gave me remedies to tackle that.
We really need to listen to that inner voice more often.
That said, I simply have gratitude towards my friends for the extra effort they took to keep me distracted and advising me to talk to a professional. In fact, they got me an appointment and said “GO”. And I am glad I listened.
I am not saying I don’t miss my son now, I really do. I still flip through old pictures, sit in his room at times and count the days till he is back. Things still fell a little off without him. But that’s me just being a mom. I thoroughly enjoy my phone calls with him and when he shares pictures and stories of what’s happening there, I feel I am a part of it all. If there is term like ‘positively-missing’, then that’s what’s happening with me now.
After I was out of the emotional frenzy, and got my act together, I realised there are so many parents who are going through this. Yes, even fathers have this syndrome and its as bad.
The empty nest syndrome affects most parents, but mainly mothers. Why? Cause we naturally embrace the role of caregivers (no offense to Dad’s please) and somewhere, so many of us compromise on our lifestyle, careers etc for raising our kids and they become the centre of our universe. Once they leave, we feel the vaccum and a little lost about what to do next. Its nothing to do with being a working mom or not… For them, the ‘alone’ might be taken care of to some extent, but the situation doesn’t change much. We all feel the same sense of loss.
My experience made me aware of a few things that help with this.
Quality time with the ones at home
This begins with rekindling the spark with your spouse. Remember the times when you had just started dating? How awesome was that! Schedule regular date nights. It worked for me and it will work for you.
Spend more time with the kid who is home (not sure how much they’ll love the extra attention though), but remember, they are missing their sibling as much.
Create memories (kids carry it with them when they fly the nest)
Plan more family outings and send pictures to the one in college.
Visit your parents and in-laws more often. They went through the same with us.
Learn something new
I know this sounds very generic, even cliché, and easier said than done, but it’s extremely fulfilling. While growing up or raising kids, there is always something that we really wanted to do or learn and we didn’t. It just kept getting pushed to the back of our priority list. Go back, think of it and do it.
Do something meaningful
Again, a very generic advice. It doesn’t necessarily mean charity or NGO or donation. It has to be meaningful to you. Something that gives you happiness. It could be joining a hike club or riding group or story telling group, anything this interesting that it makes you lose track of time.
Prioritise yourself
Now is the time to live for yourself. Get a regular exercise routine, start working, volunteer for an organisation (there are so many organisations that would do wonders with your contribution), get the hair colour you always wanted, take that trip, get a new wardrobe (these are all just suggestions). There are so many things you can do. This is the time to think about you and what makes you happy, and trust me, seeing you happy, your kids will be happy too. Seeing you live your life to the fullest, they’ll respect you more. My view, it’s unfair to put the burden of your happiness on your kids. They have enough to handle as it is. Constant interfering in their life will only make them distant.
Make friends, reach out
We humans are social beings. The degree of how social might vary, but we all love having friends around. No age is too old to make new friends. Start inviting people over, make new friends, reach out to the old ones. It might seem difficult at first, but it’s just the one step of reaching out that’s tough; that too because of the walls we build in our minds. Rest automatically follows.
Talk to a professional/ life coach
I don’t know if ‘Empty nest syndrome’ is a clinical condition or not, but it is a very emotional phase in your life. Talk to a professional. You could also talk to a life coach. This just gives a better perspective of the path forward and ways to deal with the emotional turmoil. My personal experience, it helped me a lot and god bless my friends for getting me that help.
Plan holidays
Plan fun family holidays, once or twice a year with the whole family. They will join in for sure. And you will have more memories to share and cherish. Plus, with the technology so advanced, you can easily make them a part of the planning, no matter what part of the world the babies are in. I just finished planning one with the whole family and my son was the ‘chief- planner’.
Honestly, for me, last two months have been tough. But it has made me confront who I am as a person. I am not just ‘Me the Mom’, but I am more of ‘Me the Person’. And I like that and I want to build on that. Because one day, my nest will be fully empty and my kids will not need me as a constant care giver, and when i am heart-broken, I want ‘Me the Person” putting me back together.
So, here is wishing all the parents the very best, no matter what stage of empty nest you are at. And for all the kids reading this, please video call your parents immediately. You have no idea what your absence is doing to them!
Lots of love
Divya.
Super Divya
It’s whirlwind of emotions. I am passing through the same.
totally understandable. thankyou
I guess we all going thru a similar pattern of feeling as we cruise thru this journey of life and with kids going for higher education
Sometimes I feel , that imagine how our elderly parents also must be feeling the day we got married as that’s a permanent thing of going out of home or when we move into another house .
I wish you all the best n take care keep reaching out .
Home is we’re the heart is and we’re there is love and family .
All those fly away come back one day . Cherish the memories make new ones
thankyou
A beautifully written article. Touches the heart 💓.
thankyou Rowena
The similar feeling we had when all our three children left home for their higher studies . I can understand your feelings . All said a d done , it’s very difficult to adjust .Even though you learn to live without their presence, your heart always aches and you look forward to their next visit . I think most of the parents feel like this . Very emotional article Divya !
loved reading this and all your stories. wishing your son the best…..